If life hands you lemons say, "Hey I didn't order this," and see if they'll give you some sort of discount.

When you fall off your horse, you have to get back on it again. If you fall off again...shoot it. That'll learn him.

If we can put a man on the moon, why do I have to wear pants?

Comedy is a lot like the art of making love, you learn by watching other people.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...and spiders. Yikes!

As you walk along the road of life, take time to smell the roses, and then stop at Arby's for one of their five for five dollar sandwich specials.

You're only as old as you feel and I feel like punching you in the face.

Believe in yourself or in one of those Backstreet Boy fellas.

Life is short and it's very sensitive about it. So just don't bring it up, okay?

There is no easy path in life, but I do know of several convenient side streets you can take.

Life's a game, so whenever you finish work have two big, burly guys from shipping dump a cooler of Gatorade over your head.

When someone says, "You can't," agree with them and maybe they'll be your friend.

There's no such thing as a dumb question . . . unless you're dumb in which case everything you say is dumb . . . dummy.

Fight the good fight or at least the fight where you totally know you can take the guy.

The Lord expects great things of you, so don't blow it.

All the world's a stage, so constantly pretend you're in the musical "Annie".

A Testimonial
I enjoy wearing pants. That's right, you heard me, I enjoy wearing pants. I know what a lot of you are thinking, "Pants? Didn't that go out with disco and poodle skirts", well hear me out because I think I might sway your opinion of the dreaded 'p' word. Five years ago I wasn't wearing pants, in fact, I wasn't doing much of anything. I blamed it on a lot of things friends, family, drugs, alcohol, religion, but when it came right down to it, it was due to my lack of pants. You see in today's modern world a pair of pants says a lot about a person. It says, "Hey I mean business and I'm serious because I'm wearing pants." Am I saying that pants are the end all be all of everything? Yes I am. Pants make the man and man do I have pants. Thanks pants!

The Intruder
Pablo went to the door. "Who is it?" he asked in his toughest voice. "The TV repairman," the voice on the other side of the door that Pablo wasn't on said. "How strange." Pablo thought to himself, "The TV is working just fine." Pablo figured that perhaps his mother had called and he didn't want to incur her wraith, so he decided to open the door. The man burst into Pablo's apartment wearing nothing, but a headband, a full body leotard, and leg warmers and shouted, "Prepare to be dazzled." He plugged in a small boom box he was carrying and began dancing around the room. He began doing flips, kicks, and fancy plies and then suddenly he did an amazing pirouette right out the window of Pablo's tenth story apartment. Pablo stared briefly out the shattered window and then went back to watching TV.

Bush Announces Policy Changes
President George W. Bush today announced a number of policy changes that he hopes to present to Congress by next week Thursday. Meeting with the press on Wednesday, President Bush along with his new advisor, comedian, "Dangerous" Donny Moore, presented a number of radical changes he would like to see Congress pass during the next round of meetings.

Bush began by announcing a drastic change in his drug policy saying marijuana should be legalized. "What's the worst crime a pothead's gonna commit? Bush asked rhetorically, "Break into a convenience store and steal all the Twinkees." "Besides," added Moore, "a pothead would break into a convenience store and probably forget why he was there in the first place," drawing a hearty chuckle from Bush.

Bush also called for an end to the "time out policy" many parents use in disciplining their children. Bush said, "In my house we didn't have 'time outs' we had 'knockouts'." When a member of the press asked Bush if this meant Bush was abused as a child Moore stepped in and said, "Hey I don't go to where you work and unplug the Slurpee machine."

Many in Bush's own cabinet question the logic of Bush's policy changes and many point the finger squarely at Moore as the reason for these changes. The President first met Moore at Hilarities Comedy Club in Sioux Falls, South Dakota in March of this year. Moore, a 17 year veteran of the stand up comedy circuit, was unaware that Bush was in the crowd and claimed, "I was just doing my thing". Bush was immediately struck by Moore's "off the wall observations" and "wacky impressions". But what impressed Bush even more was a section in Moore's act wherein he announces a series of policies he would introduce if he were indeed president.

The president was so inspired by Moore's "bold initiatives" he invited him to Camp David for the weekend to flesh out these ideas in more detail. Vice President Dick Cheney said, "George came to me with the policy changes on Monday and I told him I felt these policy changes were not in our best interest. Bush said he didn't care and then Moore asked me where I bought my shirt. Before I could reply he said, 'Walmart'."

Other policy changes include the death penalty for elderly drivers who forget to turn off their blinkers, an amendment calling for women to stop "hogging" all the blankets, and a tax on stupid people. Following the press conference Moore sold his "Clinton Sucks Monica Blows" bumper stickers for five dollars a piece.

I Married a Pizza
The year was 1994, some friends and I were enjoying a pizza in my dorm room when out of nowhere I blurted out, "I love pizza!". My friend quickly retorted, "Well why don't you marry one then?" We all had a good laugh, but in the back of my mind I thought to myself, "Why don't I marry one?" Pizza and I had always gotten along, we never fought, we shared many of the same interests. So right then and there I decided pizza and I would be married.

In a small civil ceremony pizza and I were married. We got an apartment off campus and it seemed to be wedded bliss. But by the time I graduated things had changed. Pizza and I had begun to grow more distant. Our interests and goals had changed. We both realized we weren't really that compatible, not to mention the fact that I was now lactose intolerant and as a result wasn't quite cutting it in the bedroom department. We decided it was best if we both went our separate ways. I went on to manage a Hardee's just outside of Onalaska, WI and pizza is now the head of Paramount Studios.

Metallica Rocks
Yesterday I was only pretty sure Metallica rocked, but today I'm positive. You see I was at the local bus station using the bathroom when I noticed that someone had taken it upon themself to write in black magic marker, "Metallica Rocks". Up until that time I was only kind of sure they rocked, but the fact that someone went to such lengths to write such a bold statement was all the convincing I needed. I mean to put your beliefs out there in public like that was something I truly admired. I decided if this brave soul could do it, so could I. I finally found it in my heart to tell the world that Fred sucks.

The Drunken Babies
I first noticed them at a mall just outside of Yuma, Arizona. There they were no more than two years old crying, drooling, barely able to walk. It was obvious to me they were drunk. So drunk their parents had to wheel them around in specialized carts equipped with lights and other fancy gizmos in order to keep their attention.

I followed one baby to the parking lot as he was escorted out of the mall by his parents. The baby had apparently become so intoxicated he had soiled himself and was now crying uncontrollably. Obviously too drunk to drive and much too belligerent to reason with, the parents placed him in a special restraining harness inside the car. I imagine it was to keep him from attacking the driver in some sort of drunken rage.

I couldn't believe it, this was the future of our society, this was who I would have to depend on in my old age, not on my watch fella. Drunken babies of America, heed my call. Your days of intoxication are numbered, there's a new sheriff in town and he's armed with, shall we say, some sobering consequences. ·Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha· so ummm...watch it...and stuff.

A Sneeze Guard Saved My Life
A lot of people dismiss sneeze guards as unnecessary modern day conveniences, but I myself thank my lucky stars for them. You see· a sneeze guard saved my life. I was at a local Wendy's enjoying the buffet when suddenly I was overcome by a tremendous desire to sneeze. Perhaps it was too much seasoning on the salad or the breadstick lodged in my nostril, but whatever it was I knew I had to sneeze.

The force of the sneeze thrust my head forward in such a way that I knew I was headed for certain disaster. As my face plummeted toward the steaming hot bowl of clam chowder below, my life passed before my eyes. I thought perhaps the Saltines would break my fall, but I foolishly had crumbled them in the soup and they would provide little support.

But suddenly, miraculously, my momentum was stopped. As I stood there face to face with certain death I noticed there was some sort of plastic shield surrounding the salad bar, almost encasing it, but still allowing me to partake in it's delicious bounty. I was so thankful that I wrapped my torso around the sneeze guard and kissed every inch of it. As I was escorted out of the restaurant by the local police I knew I had been given a second chance at life.

How To Look Incredibly Important
Sometimes I worry that people won't realize how incredibly important I am. Sure I have a cell phone and a pager, but is that enough? That's why when I walk down the street I always have a merengue band trailing behind me. Their hot Latin rhythms and spicy salsa beats, let people know that I'm in charge and serious about being important. I mean if two customers walk into a clothing store and one has a merengue band and the other has no merengue band, who do you think the sales clerk is going to talk to first? The choice is obvious. Some may think this is a little over the top, but those are probably just a bunch of losers who have mediocre polka bands plodding behind them.

The Job Interview
I was admittedly nervous as I walked into the job interview, but I knew I was prepared. I had spent the night before poring over the interview manual my job counselor had given me and it was now time to show off my skills. I answered the first few questions with ease, dazzling him with my wit and intellect.

But then the question I dreaded came up, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I tried my best to avoid the question, but he was insistent and asked again, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" After some initial hemming and hawing I finally said, "You mean when the apes take over?" "Pardon me?", he asked. "Five years from now, apes will take over the earth," I said unflinchingly. "I think you've seen one too many late night movies," he said laughing. "Fool!" I screamed as I climbed over his desk and grabbed him by his lapels. "Can't you see the danger we're in! While you toil in some ape labor camp, I will be serving as one of the ape's loyal servants and number one informants. You damn dirty human! Don't you understand, the time is now, we must prepare for the arrival of our . . ." Before I could go on, I was quickly whisked away by security. As they escorted me out, I knew I had left them with quite an impression and that my hard work had finally paid off. This job was in the bag.

The Funny Guy
I'm a really funny guy. Let's say it's really hot outside and I see a construction worker jack hammering a sidewalk, I'll say something funny like, "Hot enough for you?" The fact is I know it's hot enough for him because I see him sweating and cursing underneath his breath, but I'm being ironic and therein lies the humor. Or let's say I'm at McDonald's and there's only one cashier on duty and he's inundated with loud, unruly customers and it's obvious it's his first day, I'll say something like, "Working hard or hardly working?" Again it's obvious he's working hard and under a lot of stress, but my innate sense of humor allows him an opportunity to laugh in the face of an extremely tense and perhaps dangerous situation.

When I say things like this I never bother to wait for a response because I know that my comment has added a glimmer of light to their otherwise dreary lives. When I'm at the office and let's say someone just got reamed out by the boss I'll lighten up the mood and say something like, "Are we having fun yet?" It's obvious they aren't having fun, hell for all I know they just got fired, but I love to make people laugh. After a comment like that some of my co-workers will playfully throw a stapler or fax machine in my direction and that's when I know I'm truly affecting people. Is it hard to be funny all the time? Yeah I guess, but the glowering stares people give me make it all worthwhile.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Ridiculous
Being rich and ridiculous is certainly no picnic. I usually wake up from my oxygen chamber around noon, put on my fur pants, and chase the neighbor's dog for an hour. I then get in my Jaguar and drive it through a pane glass window somewhere along Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, now it's time to head over to my girl friend's house and ask her to marry me. When she rejects me I proceed to Laurel Canyon and sled down the hill on the back of famed television star Tony Danza. After a rousing game of climb the elderly person, I get into an oven and preheat myself to 325 degrees.

Now I'm ready for a night on the town, which usually consists of karaoke on horseback and underwater skydiving . Of course the night wouldn't be complete without a seven course meal, consisting of nothing more than beans and tartar sauce. Some call this lifestyle crazy, some call it dangerous, I call it Monday.

Hollywood Admits They Don't Know What They're Doing
After years of speculation Hollywood insiders finally revealed they have no idea what's going on. The surprise announcement came on the heels of the recent cancellation of several new television series and the low box office turnout for nearly a dozen supposed blockbusters this year. "For years we tried to cover our ignorance by blaming the state of the economy or the fickle taste of the American public , but when it comes right down to it none of us really have any clue," said one Hollywood insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. When asked if Hollywood would pass on the reins to some city that actually knew what it was doing the Hollywood insider laughed heartily and took off in his SUV with his 20 year old supermodel girl friend Tatiana.

The Decision
I had thought about it long enough and the time had come to make a decision. I had been in traffic nearly an hour and it was now becoming clear. I checked my watch several times as the other cars slowly rolled pass totally oblivious to my inner conflict. I didn't blame them for not wanting to get involved. It was a conflict that had puzzled man since the beginning of time. The decision weighed on me, but I knew the time was right, I would have to wet my pants.

The Strange Kid
The strange kid he lived down the block from me. We called him the strange kid because he wasn't like the rest of us kids. While we were outside throwing rocks at the glowing orb in the sky, the strange kid was making weird astrological charts and something he called a "calendar". He said this "calendar" would help farmers know when it was time to plant. We hated the strange kid and we burned his charts and calendar. Now the strange kid is just like us and every Saturday he's the first kid up trying to knock that glowing orb from the sky.

The Back Room
They took Stan to the back room and showed him around. This is where they kept all the pants in Stan's size and the shoes, the nine and a half double wide in cashmere, they were here too. This was the back room where all the salespeople said they went. Everything Stan ever wanted was back here, the girl with the purple hair and pink eyes that he could never meet at the singles club, the Pekinese with the two heads that he could never find at the pet store. Stan's every wish and desire was met in the back room, until one day he was clubbed to death by a group of angry seals and they wore Stan's skin as a coat.

How To Convince the World You're Brilliant
Convincing the world you're brilliant is no easy task, but now you can in six easy steps:

Step 1:
Tell a friend you are brilliant, but tell him in order to prove this you need him to gather several more friends.

Step 2:
Once these friends are gathered you will need to meet at an appropriate location, a soccer stadium will suffice. Then tell them a riddle something like, "Where can happiness always be found?" But say this riddle in a way that is slightly Chinese that way you'll appear more smarter than you actually are, plus it will make you seem more like a fortune cookie.

Step 3:
While your friends are busy pondering this riddle, call the "Ready Reference" desk at your local library and put them on hold. When you reach Step 5 this will come in handy.

Step 4:
Pull out a small harpsichord and an anvil and place your head slightly to the left of the anvil. This will give your head a sense of weightlessness thus giving you the appearance of a disembodied voice. The harpsichord just plain sounds nice.

Step 5:
Tell the most gullible of the several people gathered to pick up the phone and ask any question his heart desires, preferably something regarding Greek mythology.
Note: To determine which friend is most gullible casually remove your sock and throw it in the general direction of your friends. Whoever moves toward the sock most likely will be the least likely to be the most gullible. This person must be eliminated by any means necessary. Challenge the remaining friends to a potato sack race, whoever appears most flushed is the least gullible. At this point shout out in your best Caribbean voice, "Now it is time to limbo!" This should cause everyone to leave with the exception of the most gullible person.